Sorry for this long personal post, I know it’s not typical of my bling but I really need a minute just to get some stuff out there.

It started to sink in a little. It took me 8 months, but today it really got to me. I’m going through my room trying to get rid of stuff or clean it up so I can thin stuff out to get ready to move out and I came across my soccer box that I keep all of my uniforms, gear, bag, and some momentos in for easy access. And I’ve known for a long time that its over. There’s no way my surgeon will let me even run let alone go out on a field. And I realized that I had some room in a box that goes under my bed that I could put it all in.
But when I started to actually physically go through it and tuck it all away, it was way too much for me and I just broke down in tears.
I mean, for all these years I have seriously dedicated my entire life to this sport. I gave up friends, opportunities, all of my time, my focus. My grades, relationships, and financial standing all took a serious hit from it. And I don’t regret any of it, I was out there doing what I loved, following my dreams and exploring my passion. But now it has gotten me nowhere. And that hurts. Because I worked so hard, training for hours every single day, leaving town most weekends for games and tournaments, putting everything on hold so I could chase these dreams of mine and control my fate and now it’s amounted to nothing.
And I think what makes me the most angry and the most upset is that none of this happened with my consent. I know there was probably no future for me in soccer, after college ball, pro spots are far and inbetween and I don’t have these delusions of grandeur that I’m the best person for the job. Yah I work my fucking ass off and I have great ball skill and I’m dedicated and I’m a quick learner, but there’s always people who have similar work ethics who are taller, or at least have longer legs, or more money, or more time in the future to dedicate to it (at some point I need a job).
But no. I didn’t get to gracefully accept that I did everything I could and things didn’t work out, or decide that college ball wasn’t for me, or just decide that I wanted more of a life, or tried out for a team I didn’t make. It was taken from me, right from under my feet. I was so fucking close. Training for nationals, multiple college offers to great schools with great programs, I had fairly recently gotten over some mental issues that allowed me to play better than I ever had before, I was having the time of my life. Then it happened.
And it’s not like it was even me doing something stupid and I was risking getting hurt, it was just a stupid fucking freak accident that destroyed everything I have worked so fucking hard for for the past 13 years of my life.

And now I have these. A monument to my unlocked potential: my last pair of boots. I bought them to replace my current (old I guess) ones since they were ripping from the seams. I was going to break them in starting the next practice after I ended up getting hurt. They’ve never been worn. Not a single time. And packing them away hurt the most. They’ve never seen a field, never played a game, never scored a goal and I never will again either. I know that this is a terrible attitude to have. But I’m sorry, I’m mad, no I’m furious, I’m fucking pissed as hell an upset and just feel like I’ve been slugged in the face. Everything I’ve worked for has gone to waste, and all I have left are these boots.